Broken Records and Pillow.

Dear Everyone,

Random post here but I'm really depressed again.
When I first started this blog is was a meant to be a way for me to express my feelings of loneliness and depression of being a teenager. I dreamt of writing beautiful passages filled with metaphors and deep meaning. But in my natural personality, I stall if I'm not motivated. And that's what I was lacking motivation, to get out of bed in the morning, to pick up a pen or turn on my computer. Not even motivated enough to talk to people, anyone; even if it was just small talk. I didn't the core power to pull myself to open mouth and blurt out anything.

I thought I was guarded. A locked book. No one would no anything about me. But once I made this realisation I was blind to the fact that I wouldn't shut up. I would scare people away because I talked too much. I always prided myself by being the mysterious guy. But yet a stranger on the street could write my biography for me. I was that desperate for a connection. Human or not. The reason I say that is because I soon found myself talking to a pillow. I know it's a perfectly sane thing to do as I see my lonely Sims do it all the time. But I thought I would never be the one doing it.

If it interests you, I'll tell you the names I gave my pillow (and just so you know, nothing sexually happened between me and the pillow's characters. EVER)

Introducing:

• Cameron: he was the perfect son; sporty, charming and funny. He was everything I ever wanted to be for anyone.
• Sophie-Anne: She was my best friend. French, dark chocolate hair and eyes and had an appreciation of the golden age of Hollywood. I could tell her anything.
• Michelangelo: he was a Spanish med student, who helped me redecorate my room with renovated vintage furniture in bright colours that made me somewhat happy.
• Shane: He was the older father figure I dreamed of. He convinced me to try out for the school sports and helped me with my crushes.
• Scott: he was like a man's gay best friend. Always giving advice and there for comical relief. But apart from that, useless.
• Dakota: she was the soon to be famous actress, I escaped to the beach with (I didn't literally take the pillow to the beach). And we would laugh at the people watching us throughout the day.
• Joshua: the inspiration you look for in books, poems, art and music.
• Shay: the guy you can’t believe is your friend because you’re so different.
• Chase: the one you were looking for along.

And there are the only people who know me truly. But right now I feel like everyone knows me and it's horrible. It's a funny thing isn’t it, what we want, we work for. When we get, we don't want it. We're never happy and that's what the world turns on. People's unhappiness.

Now exactly at this point of writing this I realised something. If I claimed to have no motivation, how did I have enough to get off my arse and not shut up? Well I would like to say the answer is simply but honestly.... I can’t think of anything. The best I can come up with is that I suppose I had enough self respect to do something about it. I knew what I wanted and I went for it.

And letting everyone know about I guess.....

Rather now than forever.

Mr. Ryan

The Balance of Life

Dear Everyone,

This is my first post of 2010 and the start of something I hope will be weird and wonderful and ultimately end up with me changing the world. It's what I want and what most people want. To change the world, mainly for the better, there are those who want to change it for the worse but I try not to think of their intentions. But my main concern is at what length we will go to achieve their goals. And how do we distinguish between want and needs?

I'm currently re-reading Macbeth one of my favourite Shakespeare plays and through his ambition he is racked with guilt as a result of his actions caused by his ambition. But he had no ambition if it was not for his wife to push him. But do we all need someone to push us? Surely it can't do any harm but it can also do all the harm in the world.

So I'm thinking there needs to be some sort of balance in the world and in us. Good vs. evil and all that crap. So back to my question (or sub-question) how do we determine this balance, I'm just afraid I'll go through life trying to change the world's balance so it leans towards "good" but to do this will I have to change my personal balance. Will I cheat and lie? Or go as far as the unfortunate Macbeth and kill to get what I want.

But in all this wondering about the balance of my world under the clouds on this uncomfortable rock, I can't help but wonder if the balance is meant to tip, to allow us to experience all that life has to offer. The good and the bad, its how we force the scale to tip is where we differ.

I'm thinking of jumping up and down.
Just for fun.

Rather now than forever.

Mr. Ryan